tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post3891181869090863299..comments2023-09-21T20:14:55.842+10:00Comments on Liberal Feminist Tropes Debunked: Refuting The Five Most Common Pro-BDSM ArgumentsIndependent Radicalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13023677929417148197noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-29351958095040567842019-12-20T07:13:37.991+11:002019-12-20T07:13:37.991+11:00Wonderful article! Thank you for writing.
I am v...Wonderful article! Thank you for writing. <br /><br />I am very happy to see still some real feminists (not the fun kind) take this issue seriously. Mezardaki Akrephttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13324850092892867157noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-49866427035833382772019-06-04T16:17:03.699+10:002019-06-04T16:17:03.699+10:00I read your article out of curiosity, expecting to...I read your article out of curiosity, expecting to find quite a bit of ignorance. I did find much of the initial discussion quite lacking on facts. I will answer with fewer words than Shannon did, though I respect her effort at refuting your arguments. Here is my response: You seem to feel that everyone would be happier if we were in a relationship of equality. That's like saying to a family, here's a big ol' bowl of broccoli and you ALL get an equal share! I don't WANT an equal share of the broccoli. I want something different. Having an equal share of something one does not want is not the way to make them happy.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16137844885122645897noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-18841926754089792412018-01-04T16:47:28.539+11:002018-01-04T16:47:28.539+11:00If by intimate you mean loving than I reject the i...If by intimate you mean loving than I reject the idea that sex is inherently intimate. Sex can easily be cold and impersonal and therefore not intimate, but I do agree that people should keep their sex lives to themselves, unless they're experiencing serious problems in their relationships.<br /><br />I only wish I knew why choking was considered acceptable. Our culture has become filled with violent and sexual images, so I think people have just got accustomed to it. Your account is very disturbing.<br /><br />I'm curious to know what your worldview actually is, but thanks for your supportive comment.Independent Radicalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13023677929417148197noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-86163484140649923112017-12-19T18:11:01.482+11:002017-12-19T18:11:01.482+11:001. I wish people didn't find it necessary to m...1. I wish people didn't find it necessary to make their sexual preferences and practices so public. That being said..<br />2. ...thank you for writing on this topic, as BDSM and porn is becoming a huge problem. Despite the intimate nature of sex, society has dragged it all out into the open, so it is vital that the problems be addressed. 3. Chatting with a group of (female) coworkers the other day, the topic of being choked during sex came up ever so casually. All the women except for myself treated this as a normal behavior, but all mentioned having to tell their partner they were squeezing too tight. Why is this considered normal or healthy??? <br />3. If I could wipe all memory of the series that must not be spoken of, I would in an instant. I wish for my innocence back! What a dirty, toxic, manipulative world we live in. <br />That's the end of my rant. <br />Again, thank you for writing so fervently on this topic. We may not share all the same worldviews, but I'm with you on this one.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18168765693023431442noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-5119959111578584982015-09-20T05:42:27.762+10:002015-09-20T05:42:27.762+10:00This part got cut off somehow, so I pasted it here...This part got cut off somehow, so I pasted it here:<br /><br />So the premise that I question, in your argument, is that it is impossible for a woman to enjoy BDSM and a BDSM relationship.<br /><br />Before I start with my own experiences, because they ARE relevant, I want to also add, the biggest issue that gets in the way of the premise you have that I am questioning. That issue is pain play, or S and M. First of all, not everyone who does BDSM does pain play. Some who do it aren’t into it that much, and do it occasionally (me) and others love it so much they want it all the time.<br /><br /> I’m not a true masochist, although I do like to do a tad bit of S and M play. But I like it for very different reasons than a typical masochist. A true masochist, however literally feels pleasure in it. I asked a masochist about this, and she told me, that basically what happens is that when she experiences pain in certain very specific circumstances, the wires (of her pleasure and pain neurological system) somehow get crossed, and she experiences the pain as pleasure. However, every single masochist out there, and every single person who does pain play as well, would say that there is a huge difference between “good pain” and “bad pain”. It sounds counter- intuitive, but the best way to explain it is that for a masochist, bad pain is just felt as pain. While good pain is just felt as pleasure. For someone like me, bad pain feels like damage (a broken bone would be bad pain) while good pain can still be sexy like being spanked (even if I don’t literally get pleasure form it as a masochist does, its still very hot.) So in that sense, nobody in BDSM ever wants “bad pain”. And any submissive or woman who gets “bad pain” from a partner who is intentionally giving it, is not only damaging her and making her unhappy, but is being abusive because he is not caring about her and her well being.<br /><br />Now I am going to attempt to prove to you that I am happy in my relationship, because if just ONE woman is happy in a BDSM relationship not in spite of it being BDSM but because of it, then it invalidates your premise. However, that is very difficult to disprove unless you ARE me, because you don’t see how I am most days. You don’t see if the majority of the time, I walk around miserable, afraid, head hung low, or if I walk around happy, with a smile on my face.<br /><br />And since you have heard all the typical arguments before, I am going to try a very different approach. I’m going to do the best I can to prove to you that I am, in fact, happy in the relationship not in spite of the BDSM, but actually because of it. I am going to try to prove that I am not tolerating BDSM or bad behavior, but enjoying it.<br /><br />This is a bit hard to prove because these things are very subjective experiences, but Francois gave me an idea. He called BDSM a cult. So, I have pulled the definition of cult off of google, and posted it here. Additionally, following that, I have listed the various warning signs of being involved in a cult, warning signs of a cult-like leader, and warning signs that a person is a victim of a cult. (I apologize, I did take it off the Dr. Phil website, but they seem pretty accurate and just because Dr. Phil is a pop psychologist doesn’t mean his website has bad info. I think these are things any website discussing a cult would say, they are just said very succinctly on his website.) After I go through all the points of a cult, I will go through all the points of domestic abuse, such as signs of an abuser, things the abused partner does, internal feelings of an abused victim, etc and do the same thing. My intent is to show you that I am happy in my relationship, because if I can show you that at <br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-69868968940352059012015-09-20T03:09:57.961+10:002015-09-20T03:09:57.961+10:00Sorry that was so long. But hey, true, it may incr...Sorry that was so long. But hey, true, it may increase interest in your blog, and I like a lot of your ideas with the exception of BDSM so thats (mostly) good. <br /><br />I have a lot of time on my hands today, and I love debates, but I too need to get back to my life. I'm curious what if anything you will say in response, but I do have many other things to do. I think I should probably just start a blog promoting BDSM and the other things I believe in.<br /><br />I will probably check back to see what your responses are. However, I doubt I will convince you. I've debated many people on many topics before (health care, religion, politics) and no matter how sound the argument, nobody ever changes their minds. I think its a glitch in the human brain. Once we find an opinion or idea that we like, its almost impossible for someone else to logically convince us out of it.<br /><br />Human beings, whatever the belief (Christian, anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-women, anti-equality, anti-race, anti-police, anti-government, anti-country), like to fit their reality to match their beliefs, rather than fitting their beliefs to match reality.<br /><br />So I know, no matter the strength of my arguments or the strength of my evidence, you will never, ever, change your beliefs, ever. If you believed the world was flat, I could fly you to the moon and you still would not change your beliefs. You are incapable of changing your beliefs, because you have decided to be incapable of changing it, regardless of any evidence or facts. I challenge you to rise above that, but I doubt you will.<br /><br />I was willing to critically look at all the questions under domestic abuse and violence, and under cults, and doing so was a sort of challenge to my beliefs. Can you rise above yours to see the facts? Or will you decide to ignore the facts? I will wait to see, but my guess is, you will choose to ignore them, and fit your view of reality to your beliefs.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-86327332973413299992015-09-20T03:09:04.950+10:002015-09-20T03:09:04.950+10:00 Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from thei... Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner<br /><br />My partner does not harass me, ever. We text all the time, and I’m always happy when we do because we have very good conversations.<br /><br /> • Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness<br /><br />My partner does not have a temper,jealousy issues, and although I am his “property” by choice, he is not “possessive” in that he is not anxious about me being his. I don’t “have” to be his.<br /><br />Warning signs of physical violence<br />People who are being physically abused may:<br /> • Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”<br /><br />Hmm, this could happen, but its not frequent.<br /><br /> • Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation<br /><br />This would never happen because of something he did or something we did. He knows work and school are priorities.<br /><br /> • Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors)<br /><br />This would also not happen. S and M pain is not something we do on the arms.<br /><br />Warning signs of isolation<br />People who are being isolated by their abuser may:<br /> • Be restricted from seeing family and friends<br /><br />This doesn’t happen.<br /><br /> • Rarely go out in public without their partner<br />This isn’t an issue, I go out all the time without him.<br /><br /> • Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car<br />This is not something we will do or that we do, just a choice.<br /><br />The psychological warning signs of abuse<br />People who are being abused may:<br /> • Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident<br /><br />I do not have low self esteem. I think pretty well of myself.<br /><br /> • Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn)<br /><br />I’m still as outgoing and opinionated as ever.<br /><br /> • Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal<br /><br />I am none of the above. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-43421576654789884222015-09-20T03:08:36.802+10:002015-09-20T03:08:36.802+10:00designed to scare you into submission. Such tactic...designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.<br /><br />Jeeze, he’s never done anything like this. Never broke anything I have, never gave me threatening gestures, never hurt my pets (I would never be with someone who hurt animals, ever). Nor put weapons on display. We do both have an interest in weapons though, and I’m planning on getting a concealed weapons permit in the future because I think it would be kind of cool and badash.<br /><br /> • Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.<br /><br />He never makes excuses for himself. He never told me he had a bad childhood. I have never been blamed for anything, well, unless it was something I agreed ahead a time I wouldn’t do and did anyway, like blow off class or something.<br /><br /><br />General warning signs of domestic abuse<br />People who are being abused may:<br /> • Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner<br /><br />I’m not afraid of anxious to please my partner. I like to please him, but I think most people in every type of relationship like to please their partner.<br /><br /> • Go along with everything their partner says and does<br /><br />I do go along with most things he says or does, but if I disagree I will voice my opinion on it. He respects me enough to consider what I say.<br /><br /> • Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing<br /><br />I do this, but I enjoy it.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-40426877313463501282015-09-20T03:08:12.178+10:002015-09-20T03:08:12.178+10:00This is so annoying that your blog won't let m...This is so annoying that your blog won't let me edit stuff, and makes me delete it if I want to edit it. <br /><br />Anyway to continue:<br /><br />Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:<br /> • Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.<br /><br />Yes, but we like it this way. He doesn’t have to be this way, and has been in relationships where he wasn’t.<br /><br /> • Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.<br /><br />He never ever makes me feel bad about myself. I am not worthless at all, and I do think if I had to, I could find someone else. I do see myself as desirable. He does not insult me, publicly put me down, or hurt my self esteem in any way.<br /><br /> • Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.<br /><br />I do ask permission, but I am not cut off. He does not prevent me from going to work or school. He does not prevent me from seeing people based on a whim. If I had to go to work or school and I decided to ditch it and go hang out with a friend, he might say no to that. But the intentions behind it are different.<br /><br /> • Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.<br /><br />I have never been threatened ever. He has never threatened to hurt or kill me or anyone I care about, nor has he threatened suicide, to file false charges or report me to the police in any way. If I wanted to leave the relationship he would let me leave.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-86213830236923154882015-09-20T02:24:08.209+10:002015-09-20T02:24:08.209+10:00Does your partner:
• act excessively jealous and ...Does your partner:<br /> • act excessively jealous and possessive?<br />Nope, he does not. Actually we are in an open relationship by both our choices, and we have acted on that.<br /><br /> • control where you go or what you do?<br />Yes, he does and I love it! 99% of the time, he never tells me no to things I want to do or whatever. (Except for sweets, I’m a sugar addict, but he knows I’m trying to lose weight by my choice not his, so he sometimes says no to sweets. Not enough though, lol, I still eat them too much.) But overall, if he does say no to something, I’m ok with it, I give him permission to do that. I kind of like it, even when its things I want to do, I find it very satisfying emotionally as well as being hot.<br /><br /> • keep you from seeing your friends or family?<br />Nope. I have tons of friends I see all the time, and I am in constant contact with family.<br /> • limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?<br />Not really. I am thinking of asking him to limit me on the computer though. I’m pretty mad at myself for wasting so much of my time talking to you guys, I blew off a whole half a day for it when I could have been doing more productive things. So I’m thinking of asking him to help limit my computer time.<br /><br /> • constantly check up on you?<br />Yes, and its hot.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-13723627386908843892015-09-20T02:23:35.569+10:002015-09-20T02:23:35.569+10:00 ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishmen... ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?<br />He has never ignored me or put down my accomplishments. He has often been impressed by my accomplishments, or really encouraged me to reach for my goals. I make creative stuff, and he really likes what I make.<br /><br /> • blame you for their own abusive behavior?<br />He doesn’t blame me,no. Sometimes I do things and he spanks me for them, but thats super hot so I’m happy with that.<br /><br /> • see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?<br />He sees me as both! I’m in a Master/slave relationship (the most intense BDSM relationship you can find). So I am his property and his sex object (super hot) but I am also a person and he values me as a person too. I wouldn’t be with him if he didn’t also value me as a person with hopes, dreams, goals, etc.<br /><br /><br />Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats<br />Does your partner:<br /> • have a bad and unpredictable temper?<br />He does not have a temper at all. When he’s angry he just needs time to cool off, just as I do.<br /><br /> • hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?<br />He has never, nor would he ever, threaten to kill me. He has “hurt me” but only because I wanted him to. (I once got mad at him for not spanking me).<br /><br /> • threaten to take your children away or harm them?<br />I have no children. I have a pet, and he has nor would he ever threaten to take her away or harm her. If he ever intentionally harmed her, I would leave him. But he finds to pleasure in such things.<br /><br /> • threaten to commit suicide if you leave?<br />He is seriously not that unstable, so no.<br /><br /> • force you to have sex?<br />We can have sex whenever he wants, (which is hot) so no. And actually I always want sex.<br /><br /> • destroy your belongings?<br />He never has. I had terrible roommates that broke my stuff and threatened me (before I ever met them) and I moved because I don’t think I deserve to be roommates to such rotten people. If one of them had tried to harm me I would have punched them in the face.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-8026009682906066352015-09-20T02:22:53.779+10:002015-09-20T02:22:53.779+10:00Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do you:
• feel a...Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings<br />Do you:<br /> • feel afraid of your partner much of the time?<br />Not at all. I trust him quite a bit and am never afraid of him.<br /><br /> • avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?<br />Not really. I’ve chosen to not talk about his family with him anymore (after doing so for awhile) because it gives me a headache, he’s got a kid with lots of problems basically. Well, sometimes I talk about it a little with him but its a bit draining.<br /><br /> • believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?<br />lol this one is funny. Hmm, sure, I guess I do believe I deserve to be spanked sometimes, though I do not believe I deserve to be mistreated. (I like being spanked in the right circumstances). I do not, however, believe I deserve to be harmed, which I define as permanent damage (broken bones) or damage that interferes with my daily functioning, makes me depressed, or etc. I also include in that, no bruises on the face thank you, because it can interfere with work and school and isn’t particularly safe either- eyes being there and all. I do not believe I deserve to feel miserable or mistreated.<br /><br /> • wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?<br />Nope. I don’t think either of us are crazy. Just different.<br /><br /><br /> • feel emotionally numb or helpless?<br /><br />Not at all! Quite the opposite. I feel more alive and happy with him then ever. A few times, people have told me that my whole face lights up when I am texting him. I do not feel helpless or trapped in this relationship, but rather I feel empowered.<br /><br />Does your partner:<br /> • humiliate or yell at you?<br />He never yells at me, never heard him yell at anyone in fact. Not once. I’m sure he yells, everyone does occasionally, I’ve just never seen it. He does humiliate me, and I love it when he does, its sexy.<br /><br /> • criticize you and put you down?<br />He has never critized me or put me down, not once, ever. When I’m in a low mood, he boosts me up.<br /><br /> • treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?<br />Nope. I think the only thing I’m embarrassed about is that he’s a bit over weight, but so am I so I can’t complain. We will both be healthier soon.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-59559772623223997332015-09-20T02:21:58.152+10:002015-09-20T02:21:58.152+10:004. Loss of spontaneity: A dramatic loss of spontan...4. Loss of spontaneity: A dramatic loss of spontaneity and sense of humor. <br /><br />I’m often making myself and my partner laugh by corny things I say. I am very spontaneous, sometimes I randomly decide to go to this coffee shop I love during the day. Other times my partner and I decide to meet up for lunch. Sometimes I randomly call up a friend to hang out with (usually that day).<br /><br />5. Isolation: Increasing isolation from family and old friends unless they demonstrate an interest in the group/leader. <br /><br />I have a friend who doesn’t think I should date my partner, I still hang out with her a lot. I’ve just told her I don’t want to talk about my partner. She has never met him, and the reason she doesn’t think I should date him has nothing to do with the fact that he’s kinky (she knows we are), and she doesn’t think he’s abusive. It has to do with some external circumstances. However he has also met my parents and they really like him.<br /><br />How to Avoid Mind Control: <br />"Don't be naïve. You can protect yourself from unsafe groups and leaders by developing a good BS detector. Check things out, know the facts and examine the evidence. A safe group will be patient with your decision-making process. If a group or leader grows angry and anxious just because you want to make an informed and careful decision before joining; beware," Rick says. <br /><br />My partner is very patient with my decision making process, and encourages me to analyze my decisions and make sure that I am making them for the right reasons (the reasons that matter to me and that are true to myself). He has given me plenty of opportunities to leave the relationship if I choose. He has never been angry or anxious about my decisions or the time I have taken to make decisions. (If anything, he has told me to slow down, lets take things slowly). He has never acted out of anger or anxiety with me. Although he would be sad if I said I wanted to leave, he wouldn’t stop me, and he wouldn’t be anxious or angry about it. Additionally, the whole cult thing doesn’t really apply because I’m not part of any group, since I don’t frequent the local BDSM community do to work.<br /><br /><br />Now lets move on to the signs of a domestic abuser.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-72169857529112989112015-09-20T02:21:33.776+10:002015-09-20T02:21:33.776+10:00Warning Signs of a Brainwashed Victim:
Obsessive...Warning Signs of a Brainwashed Victim: <br />Obsessive: Extreme obsessiveness regarding the group/leader resulting in the exclusion of almost every practical consideration. <br /><br />I was a little obsessed with him the in the beginning, and since I had nothing else to do during summer break, well, I didn’t have anything else to do. But I always get obsessed with something that is new and I really like. I was that way when I changed religions, I was that way when when I took up a new martial art, I was that way when I started a new hobby… etc. Now, I’m not so obsessed because its no longer novel. But I also have other things I’m doing (primarily school, now).<br /><br />2. Dependency: Dependency upon the group/leader for problem solving, solutions, and definitions without meaningful reflective thought, a seeming inability to think independently or analyze situations without group/leader involvement. <br /><br />I am encouraged to analyze things, to problem solve and find solutions on my own. When I met my partner, I was not pursuing my dream career but a “safe” career. It was my choice to finally make the jump into what I have always wanted to do, and my partner supported me along the way. I have also had to make a number of financial and living situations, and problem solve those myself. But I have always had my partners support.<br /><br />Also, my partner has said many times, he does not want a submissive who feels she has no other way to go, no other options financially or living wise. He doesn't want a girl who feels she has to stay for outside reasons (that are practical) like that, and its very important to him and to me that I am not dependent on him, and I do not give “fake consent” because I feel like circumstance wise or economically I have no options. Right now, we don’t live together, but I’ve been really wanting to live with him and it might happen in a few months. But there are other factors that might mean we won’t be able to live together, and so if that happens I’m going to sign a lease on a studio (I’m so tired of living with roommates, they tend to be pretty crazy sometimes).<br /><br />3. Agrees with group: Anything the group/leader does can be justified no matter how harsh or harmful. <br /> There are definitely things he does that I do not agree with and do not justify. Right now, they are things to do with his family, so its not really my place to get too involved with that anyway. And if he told me to, I don’t know, cut off a finger, and he was serious about it, I’d say no way and leave him for it. As far as the kinky community, I’m not really involved with them other than that one convention I went to. I don’t know anyone locally that does kink. So there is no group to follow.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-18815660131369979472015-09-20T02:21:10.078+10:002015-09-20T02:21:10.078+10:004. Never good enough: Followers feel they can neve...4. Never good enough: Followers feel they can never be good enough. <br /><br />I do feel good enough. (Well sometimes I get insecure about my grades but thats because I’m a perfectionist. And I end up getting straight As, so then I feel good enough) My partner constantly tells me he values me, and I certainly do feel good enough with him very often.<br /><br />5. No reason to leave: Former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil. <br /><br />I think some people can get into BDSM for the wrong reasons, so people who do shouldn’t be involved in BDSM. If you have a partner that pressures you to be in it, then you should leave the BDSM lifestyle. I read an account of a woman who sort of, seemed to be in that position. My criteria is, if after you leave you are happier, you should not get involved in BDSM again. But, if you miss doing BDSM after you leave, then you are probably trying to suppress your feelings. It all depends on the person, so no some people are not wrong in leaving.<br /><br />People Who Are Vulnerable to Mind Control: <br /><br />Recently divorced <br />Never been married, so no.<br /><br />2. Illness <br />Not really.<br /><br />3. Personal tragedy <br />Nope.<br /><br />4. Career failure <br />Yes, I have had a career failure, so I suppose I am “vulnerable” there. But at the same time, I am finally getting the courage to go for my dream career, so I’m happy that my previous career didn’t work out.<br /><br />5. Away from home for the first time <br />I have been living away from home for over ten years.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-78716728947405004212015-09-20T02:20:01.288+10:002015-09-20T02:20:01.288+10:003. Instill new sense of identity: New identity is ...3. Instill new sense of identity: New identity is reinforced by the group environment, where you get no feedback except from other members who tell you that they understand the right behavior and the right way of being.<br /><br />I haven’t changed since meeting my partner. I am still the same me. Same non-bdsm interests and hobbies, same personality, same political beliefs, same religious beliefs. My partner and eye don’t have quite the same spiritual beliefs, but thats ok, its close enough for it not to be an issue. I also liked BDSM before I met him, and before I ever really got to know anyone in the BDSM community. (I don't really hang out much with the locals as I said, because of work. And I haven’t really dated anyone else either. I have tried to get my previous, regular, non-bdsm partners to do kink with me, but they were never interested and so I dropped the idea with them.) 4. Isolate: Cut off from outside world. Fear keeps them trapped inside the environment of the group. <br /><br />I am not isolated. I go to work, I go to school, I still am in contact with family, and friends, and the same family and friends I knew before dating my partner. I have also met a few people here and there who are kinky (went to a convention- not local people though) and have re-connected with old friends from the first time I went to college who are kinky. As far as fear, I am not afraid of anything in what we do. Fear is not making me feel trapped. My partner doesn’t want someone who feels they have no choice but to do this (out of fear or other reasons). We both think that is wrong.<br /><br />Warning Signs of a Potentially Harmful Group/Leader: <br /><br />Totalitarian: Absolute authoritarianism without meaningful accountability. <br /><br />Hmmm, this one is half true. So, I can’t argue this point to well, since I’m in a total power exchange. However, I would say that he is not irresponsible about it, and I have seen him worry about wether or not he has made the best decisions. He’s very accountable to himself. Additionally, I have chosen him over others because I feel he is responsible about it.<br /><br />2. Little tolerance: No place for questions or critical inquiry. <br /><br />I question him all the time. I am critical of him often. I have disagreed with him and argued with him, with no bad results of me doing so. He values my opinion and he values what I say. He will always take my thoughts and opinions into account, and if he didn’t I wouldn't be with him. He one time started a debate over a topic with me, just to make sure I could debate with him, because he doesn’t want a woman who can’t speak her mind or stand up for her views.<br /><br />3. Unreasonable fears: Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions. <br /><br />Other than thinking Trump would ruin this country, I don’t really have any fears about the outside world. I view the world as a (mostly) good place, though there are some bad people out there (murderers, serial killers, etc). But I believe that we have a very good government system- by no means perfect and it does need improvement, but its not as bad as say, Iran. I believe in the goodness of the human heart. I do not believe in conspiracies of any sort- I don’t believe in any government conspiracies, or anything else of that sort.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-44526971022245379582015-09-20T02:19:24.464+10:002015-09-20T02:19:24.464+10:00east one woman is happy in her relationship and is...east one woman is happy in her relationship and is not brainwashed to feel that way, then it invalidates your premise that it is impossible for a woman to truly feel happy in a BDSM relationship without being brainwashed.<br /><br />After this I am done, I have wasted enough of my time doing this. If even this evidence does not convince you, then it just means you are going to ignore all facts and all forms of evidence and all arguments, for the simple reason that they do not fir your world view. People should never be like that, but everyone is like that all the time. They selectively choose to see the facts that support their beliefs, and ignore all others.<br /><br /><br />So here is the definition of a cult (the definitions that are not about religion):<br /><br />a relatively small group of people having religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister.<br /><br />a misplaced or excessive admiration for a particular person or thing.<br /><br />Ok, and, pardon that its from Dr. Phil’s website (not a real psychologist) but here are some charactersitics of, tools of and signs of a cult. I will give a point by point argument on how this is not occuring with me:<br /><br />Tools of Mind Control: <br />Control environment: Loved ones are cut off from family, no communication. <br /><br />I see and speak with my mother at least once a week, sometimes more. She knows I’m in a kinky relationship. She has met my partner. I have several friends I still hang out with, and this hasn’t changed since I started dating my partner. I also still make new friends and get involved in social activities all the time, where I meet other people. One thing I would like to do is meet more kinky people (I don’t know as many in my local area) but thats because I have to work on the weekends when they have regular get togethers. I’ve talked to my partner about taking off a few hours one weekend to meet people, and this will probably happen sometime in the future when my job allows.<br /><br />2. Break down sense of self: Break down their sense of self-esteem, literally attack them as individuals on the basis that they are wrong and that the group is right. <br /><br />I have a pretty darn good sense of self esteem. I have felt very empowered by this relationship, because I am finally being true to myself. I love myself and who I am. There have been times when I have been a bit negative or down because of stresses in my life (finances, job returning to school to change careers), but my partner has cheered me up, and helped me to be less negative. Recently, I got a pretty low score on a test, and I wasn’t feel too good because of it, and my partner told me he thought I was smart and shouldn’t worry about it, because it wasn’t really that low of a score (I’m a bit of a perfectionist…want straight As, etc).<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-52329887418663827172015-09-20T02:18:55.906+10:002015-09-20T02:18:55.906+10:00So the premise that I question, in your argument, ...So the premise that I question, in your argument, is that it is impossible for a woman to enjoy BDSM and a BDSM relationship.<br /><br />Before I start with my own experiences, because they ARE relevant, I want to also add, the biggest issue that gets in the way of the premise you have that I am questioning. That issue is pain play, or S and M. First of all, not everyone who does BDSM does pain play. Some who do it aren’t into it that much, and do it occasionally (me) and others love it so much they want it all the time.<br /><br /> I’m not a true masochist, although I do like to do a tad bit of S and M play. But I like it for very different reasons than a typical masochist. A true masochist, however literally feels pleasure in it. I asked a masochist about this, and she told me, that basically what happens is that when she experiences pain in certain very specific circumstances, the wires (of her pleasure and pain neurological system) somehow get crossed, and she experiences the pain as pleasure. However, every single masochist out there, and every single person who does pain play as well, would say that there is a huge difference between “good pain” and “bad pain”. It sounds counter- intuitive, but the best way to explain it is that for a masochist, bad pain is just felt as pain. While good pain is just felt as pleasure. For someone like me, bad pain feels like damage (a broken bone would be bad pain) while good pain can still be sexy like being spanked (even if I don’t literally get pleasure form it as a masochist does, its still very hot.) So in that sense, nobody in BDSM ever wants “bad pain”. And any submissive or woman who gets “bad pain” from a partner who is intentionally giving it, is not only damaging her and making her unhappy, but is being abusive because he is not caring about her and her well being.<br /><br />Now I am going to attempt to prove to you that I am happy in my relationship, because if just ONE woman is happy in a BDSM relationship not in spite of it being BDSM but because of it, then it invalidates your premise. However, that is very difficult to disprove unless you ARE me, because you don’t see how I am most days. You don’t see if the majority of the time, I walk around miserable, afraid, head hung low, or if I walk around happy, with a smile on my face.<br /><br />And since you have heard all the typical arguments before, I am going to try a very different approach. I’m going to do the best I can to prove to you that I am, in fact, happy in the relationship not in spite of the BDSM, but actually because of it. I am going to try to prove that I am not tolerating BDSM or bad behavior, but enjoying it.<br /><br />This is a bit hard to prove because these things are very subjective experiences, but Francois gave me an idea. He called BDSM a cult. So, I have pulled the definition of cult off of google, and posted it here. Additionally, following that, I have listed the various warning signs of being involved in a cult, warning signs of a cult-like leader, and warning signs that a person is a victim of a cult. (I apologize, I did take it off the Dr. Phil website, but they seem pretty accurate and just because Dr. Phil is a pop psychologist doesn’t mean his website has bad info. I think these are things any website discussing a cult would say, they are just said very succinctly on his website.) After I go through all the points of a cult, I will go through all the points of domestic abuse, such as signs of an abuser, things the abused partner does, internal feelings of an abused victim, etc and do the same thing.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-52191818225140266042015-09-20T02:17:12.604+10:002015-09-20T02:17:12.604+10:00First of all, I apologize ahead of time for the le...First of all, I apologize ahead of time for the length of this. I’m kind of a natural writer and should probably get my own blog, lol.<br /><br />Also, I find it ironic that you found it rude and felt insulted that I made assumptions about your orientation. It’s ironic because you are being very rude and insulting to me about my sexual orientation, (so yes that is the nerve that Francois struck) and it is very rude to assume I am unhappy and brainwashed in my relationship when you do not know me or my situation.<br /><br />I also want to apologize to any women reading this who are in or feel trapped in a truly abusive relationship, it is true I should not have mocked you. Although I cannot understand personally why you don’t just leave said abuser, and I do not feel as an abused victim does, and I do not truly understand why you do what you do, I should not mock those I do not understand. I think was/am angry at Independent and Francois for essentially invalidating, insulting, and being very rude to me regarding my orientation, as well as making assumptions about me and my life. I also find it very insulting that they insist my orientation does not exist, and are unable to see the parallels of how gay people are often told their orientation doesn’t exist. My anger spilled over to those people who truly are domestic abuse survivors and that isn’t right. Truthfully, Independent, I do love to debate, and many of the issues I debate about are for the weak or disadvantaged. (I think we as a society should do way more for the disabled, the homeless and the poor. I think also we should stop trying to force girls or boys to be a certain way, or play with certain toys as a child, and girls really need to stop being told that all that matters is how they look. Thats ridiculous). I’m the kind of gal that will cry when I see something very sad. Actually, I just watched a beautifully made video about (real, not play) rape the other day, and yeah I got all teary eyed. <br /><br /><br />So moving on, I want to discuss some of the topics that Independent and Francois put up.<br /><br />And since you guys have “heard all the arguments before” I’m going to take a different approach. I think this is something we can agree on. The main issue, the main point of agreement you guys and I have is this:<br /><br />Is it really possible for a woman to truly be happy in a bdsm relationship?<br /><br />If a woman is not happy, but consents due to outside reasons, (she doesn't want to be alone for example, or is afraid to leave) then that is not true consent. I agree with that. You guys believe that all women in BDSM who consent to it are in this category. So going even beyond the whole issue of consent because sure, there are many people who consent to things that they feel forced into doing due to finances or whatever, so the true issue is: Is it possible for a woman to be truly (and intrinsically) happy in a BDSM relationship and enjoy it without feeling forced to be into it due to outside influences?<br /> You guys believe quite strongly that it is impossible for a woman to love BDSM for what it is. You believe that men are somehow getting into women’s heads, and convincing them to consent when they would not consent normally. You are convinced, in essence, that I am brainwashed.<br /><br />So whenever I say “I am happy in my relationship” you automatically think “This girl is just saying she is happy. In truth, thats impossible. Therefore (based on the premise that is is impossible to be happy in a BDSM relationship) she must only THINK she is happy. In reality, she is miserable, and is only staying in it because the man is forcing her to consent- maybe its money, maybe she feels she doesn’t deserve something better, I don’t know, but he is somehow forcing her to consent to what she would never normally consent to.”Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-8196072928934231132015-09-19T20:46:13.813+10:002015-09-19T20:46:13.813+10:00Not as far as I can tell. I've gotten pretty m...Not as far as I can tell. I've gotten pretty much the same type of comments from them too. There seems to be a pretty uniform party line, which is what you'd expect given the cult-like nature of the hobby.Francois Tremblayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04760072622693359795noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-6805868148298311992015-09-19T20:39:53.966+10:002015-09-19T20:39:53.966+10:00I was really excited to see that I had nineteen co...I was really excited to see that I had nineteen comments on this post and was disappointed when it turned out they were all from the same person. Still the large number of comments makes this post seem important, so hopefully more people will read it now.<br /><br />I think the reason she posted so many comments is because there is a limit on the length of the comments which can be posted here. I don't know how it got there. I posted long comments before with limitation, but now I suddenly can't, so the "avalanche" of comments is not entirely her fault, even if she did say basically the same thing over and over again ("I so happy, happy, happy and strong, weak unhappy people suck").<br /><br />You can respond to comment on my blog if you want. I seriously do not have the time or willing to respond to the same sorts of claims over and over again (do sadomasochists ever say anything original?)Independent Radicalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13023677929417148197noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-49787892989759454142015-09-19T19:49:16.595+10:002015-09-19T19:49:16.595+10:00I didn't expect this avalanche of comments by ...I didn't expect this avalanche of comments by Shannon. Perhaps I hit a nerve, I don't know. Sorry if I spoke out of turn but I thought what she was saying was rather outrageous.<br /><br />I very much liked your comment. Let's see if Shannon has anything to say about it...<br />Francois Tremblayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04760072622693359795noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-18819544736524868482015-09-19T19:21:53.652+10:002015-09-19T19:21:53.652+10:00"So tell me, how has society "made me&qu..."So tell me, how has society "made me"?"<br />Through pornography, films and other media featuring sexualised damsels in distress, advertisements which associate sexiness with either power (for men) or powerlessness (for women), workplaces in which a self-proclaimed boss rules over employees, religions which preach subservience to an all-powerful supposedly benevolent being and numerous other means of indoctrination. If you have managed to avoid all these hierarchical structures then please tell me where you live. I want to live there! And make the whole world like that if possible.<br />"Am I a poor little waif female who must be rescued from her big bad Dominant BDSM man?"<br />I would encourage you to rescue yourself from your big, strong, dominant man, but if you ever wanted help escaping him, anti-sadomasochism feminists would provide that help. Your own community would blame you for your unhappiness (because you consented) and attack you for being a "weak women", just like you are doing to others now. Your community only likes because you are so happily subservient and you have no guarantee that your happiness will last.<br />Have some respect for the women you consider weak (the "poor little waif females" you are obviously, and cruelly, mocking). Many of them become brave fighters against male dominance, while "strong' women like you allow it (and worse, encourage it). In any case, there are weak people out there (people who lack power and are vulnerable to domination). It does not mean that they are servile, stupid or otherwise inferior. These people need support, solidarity and means through which to struggle collectively for a better world (e.g. unions, political movements), not contempt.<br />You think society has not affected you, but your hatred for the weak is proof that it has. Such thinking is clearly a result of growing up in cold-hearted, hierarchical society, which despises those who implicitly criticise it by recognising that they are victims of social forces. I cannot help but feel that your hatred for victims is also related to your sexual practices, which I do not wish to stop by force even if I could (I prefer to use reason, though you liberals seem to be far more scared of it than any physical threat).<br />Oh and don't assume you know my sexual orientation. None of the standard labels (e.g. gay, straight, etc.) work for me, because they all assume that I base my sexual choices on physical arousal and nothing else. I do not. Inquiring about my sexuality, when I have said nothing about it, is rude. And no, I am not going to ask you a bunch of questions about your sex life, because I do not find it that interesting. I would much rather hear your THOUGHTS regarding the arguments I made in the article, particularly those which apply to people in consensual, physically pleasurable sadomasochist relationships (because I do in fact acknowledge that such relationships exist and object to them as well.) <br />Please leave any rational arguments you have in the comment section and keep the details of you sex life to yourself. Do not expect me to respond either way though, because I do have a life.Independent Radicalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13023677929417148197noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-51933881962657043102015-09-19T10:06:51.666+10:002015-09-19T10:06:51.666+10:00Well I guess you won't answer. Either way, I&#...Well I guess you won't answer. Either way, I'm glad people like you aren't in charge. You THINK you know what you are talking about, but you don't. But, I guess its the same thing as people who condemn gay couples. <br /><br />Its just so plain arrogant to assume you know what it best for someone else in their life. If I was miserable and somehow trying to convince myself that I'm happy because I feel trapped in a relationship I didn't want, well thats one thing. But, I'm not. I felt trapped in non-bdsm relationships because society expected me to have them. I was expected, BY SOCIETY, to be in vanilla relationships and expected to be happy with them.<br /><br />The truth is, there are different strokes for different folks. I would never be so presumptuous to tell you that you HAD to be in a bdsm type relationship, because obviously you would never be happy in it. And any type of BDSM relationship you tried would never be consensual, because you don't want it. And consent aside, whats important is how you feel, how it makes you feel. If you ever did BDSM and it made you miserable, then stop!<br /><br />Women in abusive relationships are miserable, but for whatever reason feel like they can't leave.<br /><br />I can leave any time I want at this point. What do you think holds me to this relationship? Easy: It makes me happy!<br /><br />I would think, an abused woman would cry, and wish that her abuser would stop whatever he does to her. I would think that an abused woman would wish that he would stop hitting her, and have "faith" in him that he will stop some day. She would miss not being controlled, but would stay because she "loves" him.<br /><br />I am not staying with the hope he will not hit me, or stop controlling me. I WANT those things. I got made at him once because he did NOT spank me. I get frustrated when he is NOT very controlling. Often he is not as controlling as I would like, but he doesn't want to go too soon too fast.<br /><br />Now, if this was just some random dude that I did not decide ahead of time I could trust, I would not want to be hit or controlled either. If he couldn't control his actions, I would not feel safe but I do feel safe. But because I can trust him, I can ask him for these things. And, I do.<br /><br />Instead of being argumentative, why not this: Why not ask me any questions you have about what my experiences are? Here you have, a woman, the exact type of woman you say BDSM is out to harm, the "victim" you think is being wronged.<br /><br />But I am telling you I am not a victim. Obviously, you don't want to believe me, and find it impossible to believe. (Who would want an unequal relationship?)<br /><br />So, I say, ask me anything you want. I will do my best to answer. Also, how about this... I will give you a shot at "waking me up" if you will honestly open up to the possibility that there are many BDSM woman who love the relationship they are in. How about that? Here is your "chance" to "save" me.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4438101771504080160.post-87145507146454565172015-09-19T08:58:05.518+10:002015-09-19T08:58:05.518+10:00What in your opinion makes this "abuse"?...What in your opinion makes this "abuse"?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15465540004782271402noreply@blogger.com